Reflection
by mindoficeandfire
Summary: Ziva looks in the mirror. First Fanfic, hope you enjoy. Eventual TIVA
1. Chapter 1

Ziva stared at the reflection in the mirror looking deep into her own eyes. It was not something she did often, in fact it was something she hated doing and yet she knew of the constant need to remind herself of who and what she was.

She did not see what others saw; the beautiful face, intelligent eyes but rather the mask that was all she could maintain these days. It was too hard to take off, it took to much energy. It was by far much easier to simply let the mask stay in place.

It was a good mask, very few people ever saw through it and when they did most wished they had not. For they saw what she saw every time she looked in the mirror; the cold blooded murderer, the calculating torturer, the whore. She had killed so many, names no longer mattered, faces blurred together, she had at first kept a record of their names, then she had counted and then she had just counted the innocent who had died at her hand, finally she had stopped that as well. The times she had let men use her to get what she wanted or something her father wanted her to get, the times when a mission had hung on seducing men she could not stand, let alone smile at as they touched her. But she had done it anyway.

She wondered yet again why her father had given her a religion, perhaps he had wanted to give her hope. She snorted as she dried her face, it was more likely so she thought of herself as damned so she might as well do as she was told. She did think of herself as damned, she knew that no God would ever take her, not with the filthy blackened state of her soul.

She stepped out back into the office, heading for her desk, more endless paper work had to be done. It was infuriating, they spent more time doing paper work then they did catching the criminals. The flare of anger that this caused got push down with the rest. All the emotions that she was not allowed to feel, could not or should not feel were all down there. She though of it as her Pandora's box. If she opened it, her world would end. All of the feelings that had accumulated would come surging forth, anger, fear, resentment, pain, confusion, disappointment and the sadness. Sadness at the state of the world, the state of humanity and sadness for herself.

Tony sat across from her working at his own desk, he looked up as she sat down. "You okay?"

"Yes, I am fine thank you" he kept looking at her for a few seconds, then looked back to his work. He had seen through the mask, had done so long ago. Ziva looked at her computer screen grateful that he let her keep it. She just was not strong enough to do without it. Yet.


	2. Chapter 2

But Ziva was not fine and they both knew it. She had refused to see the psychiatrist Vance had sent her too so she was stuck at her desk doing paper work unable to return to the field. But it was more then the incredible boredom that Ziva was suffering, all the time she was left alone her thoughts circled round and round going from one horrific memory to the next, reliving every tortuous experience, every touch of callous, groping hands. All those hours spent in utter darkness and or with the staggeringly bright light in her face both equally as blinding, disorienting.

But she would not talk about it, not to anyone. She would brush the others off, not being able to cope with the concern and pity in their eyes. That is what got to her, the pity. If they had yelled and screamed at her for being so stupid, for being so weak she could have coped, could have yelled right back but this ability of theirs to empathise, she just could not deal with it. So Ziva did what she had always done. Pretended.

Tony sighed, he hated it when she used the word "fine", the word that people used in small talk or else as in Ziva's case just to plain lie.

"You don't look fine, Zi-vah" he said stretching her name out the way he use too. She visually flinched her voice came out as a hiss "Don't you ever call me that again, not ever". She glared at him until he held up his hands in surrender "Okay I won't, why cant I use it, I use to" . Ziva's eyes flicked from his to look at McGee who was concentrating very hard on the bit off paper in front of him.

"Because I said so Tony"

"Why?" he was leaning forward at his desk now, pushing her further then he had done before, further then what Gibbs would let him.

Thwack

"Because her name is Ziva, DiNozzo, now get back to work. Ziva go and check on Abby see if she has found a match on our fingerprints yet." She stood up and headed for the stairs, they watched her go, as far as they were all aware Ziva had not set foot in the elevator once since she had returned to work.

Gibbs stood up and walked over to Tony's desk "You can't call her that Tony because that is what they called her, when they was messing with her mind and I told you, not to push her, she will talk when she is ready."

"Do you really think she will Gibbs, or will she do what she always does and ignore it."

"You can't ignore something like that Tony, but nor can you make her talk she will hate you for it, just be there."

Tony leant back into his office chair "I'm trying"

Gibbs nodded and moved back to his desk.

"Ar, Boss we got a hit on the bolo I put out" McGee called out

"what are you waiting for?" McGee and Tony grabbed their gear and were in the elevator just seconds after Gibbs. The doors slide shut with their customary ding just as Ziva left the stair well to find their desks empty, she sighed and sat down at her desk, not noticing the yellow post-it note stuck to the top of the folder she was working on that said in McGees's messy scrawl "Bolo"

She slide her cell out of her pocket and rang McGee, he was the easiest to talk to, he did not try and ask her questions she was not able to answer, she knew this annoyed Gibbs and upset Tony but they would just have to deal with it.

"McGee"

"Abby got a hit on the finger prints, they belong to our main suspect"

"Yer, okay we are after him now anyway. Got a hit on the Bolo"

Ziva felt a flash of jealous anger, she wanted to be the one doing something, not stuck here at this stupid desk.

"Would it have killed you to have left a note McGee" she all but growled down the phone.

"I did" McGee protested "A yellow post-it on the folder, I guess it fell on the floor or something, sorry"

"Oh, sorry Tim" Ziva's vice sounded small down the other end of the phone.

"Hey don't worry about it, I got to go, we've found him" the connection ended. Ziva was staring at the bright yellow post-it when a single tear ran down her cheek. She dashed it away angrily glancing round to check no one had seen, pulled the post-it off the folder and threw it in the bin. She ran back over the facts and evidence they had that pointed this man out as the man responsible for the grisly murders of two women in this area of the city. It had been a metro case until the fist victim was identified as a sailor.


	3. Chapter 3

At least she would have something to do, the man was on record as speaking very little English but mostly Turkish and seeing as all the interpreters at NCIS already had their hands full it would be up to her to interrogate him.

Ziva was waiting for them down in interrogation when they got back, she heard them coming before she saw them. Well what Ziva heard was a constant stream of profanities against everyone from Gibbs' mother to the American legal system.

"_My father would have beaten me if I had talked to an officer like that" _Ziva said startling the man into silence.

"_Tell them to let me go they have no right to bring me here or treat me like this"_

"_They have every right, you murdering b*****d"_

"Ziva, what are you doing" Gibbs questions her as Tony and McGee bundle the man into one of the rooms. "You know your not on active field duty, you either observe or go back upstairs"

"But this is not the field, this is the office and anyway there are no interpreters free at the moment, there will not be for some time either" Ziva replied calmly.

He looked at her for about five seconds weighing up his options "Fine". Vance would not be happy.

He moved into the observation room leaving the way into the interrogation room free.

Ziva took a deep breathe and pushed the door open, as soon as she did so Adil leapt onto his feet saying that he had done nothing wrong, that it was someone else, that he was a good man who worshipped and obeyed Allah.

Something in Ziva snapped and she launched herself at the man her hands around his throat pinning him to the wall. She was not even aware when the door ricocheted off the wall as Gibbs, Dinnozzio and McGee poured in.

She did not hear them shout her name, did not hear Gibbs ordering her to let go, did not see Adil's face gasping for air or feel his nails clawing at her skin.

What she did feel was the restraining hands on her shoulders, the fingers grappling with her hers forcing her to release the vice around Adil's neck. Ziva was pulled back, the hands crushing her wrists pulled them so that they were crossed over her chest, her own hands on her shoulders. She was dragged from the room, she did not fight, what was the point of fighting, it was not until they were outside in the empty corridor that Gibbs let go with one hand the other fumbling for the door handle of the next room. Ziva tore her second hand free. There was no point fighting, but she would run.


	4. Chapter 4

She sprinted through the maze of corridors that made up this part of the NCIS building until she reached a fire exit she pounded through it feeling the sunlight bounce off her skin. She ran until every breathe burnt and her legs screamed but still the tears kept coming. When she finally stopped miles from NCIS she had no idea where about in the city she was, she looked around, the houses around her were small and crammed, some were vacant with broken windows. This was obviously not a good part of town. A group of youths who should have been in school were staring at her. Ziva put her head down and started walking, she did not want to attract attention to herself. As soon as she turned the corner onto a empty street she walked round the back of one of the vacant lots and kicked the door in, not even bothering to pick the lock, what was one more broken door in an area like this?

She moved swiftly through the house checking she was alone, it was the sought of place low cost prostitutes brought their clients but the place was empty, just a hollow shell. Just like her.

Ziva sat down on the floor, there was no furniture but she did not mind, she had spent a lot of those three months sat on a cold concrete floor.

The tears were still running down her face but Ziva did not even notice, she was thinking of one of the few things that he had said that were not centred on her torture "I am a good man, I obey only my God" she had had spat at him then "And the man who pays you". He had slapped her then, not maliciously, because he could, just an open handed slap to the face. "Remember who you are speaking to" he had said and then he had left her.

As if she could forget.

Her phone rang again. She knew that as soon as she answered it they would start the trace, they would be looking for her even now. She got up leaving the phone on the floor, she knew how to do this, how to disappear, how to be unfindable. She left the building, walking swiftly west she soon reached a wealthier part of the city, turning to look in a shop window when a police car rolled passed. All the while she was thinking about her options, about her plan. She had no cash and had no means of reaching any of her contacts. She would not bring her father into this. All she had was her knife and her back up. She sighed there was no point to this, no point in fighting, no point in running. She was just too tired, tired of it all.


	5. Chapter 5

She turned around walking back the way she had come until she entered the street where she had broken in, her phone was still lying on the floor. She picked it up not bothering to check the number of missed calls.

Ziva started walking again this time heading back to NCIS passing through a park she had barely registered on her flight. She sat on one of the benches looking out across the playing field, empty apart from a dog walker. She flipped the phone open and pressed speed dial one.

"Where are you?" the only greeting she got. She had known Gibbs would be angry but he sounded apoplectic.

"I do not know, a park somewhere, get Abby or McGee to do a trace, I am not going any where."

"You had better not David" Gibbs growled down the phone. Seconds later the call was disconnected without another word being spoken.

He would be on his way, she did not move, she sat waiting, she was good at waiting when she had to be. She did think of what was coming that only made it worse, she knew that. Instead she focused on the lady walking her dog, on the wind, on the sunlight. Small things that mattered not at all to most and yet she would never forget the dark stuffy rooms. She heard a car horn blast and looked across to see Gibbs pulling into the car park. She did not move. He got out slammed the door, stalked over to her.

"First we deal with work, then we deal with you" he stated staring down at her. It was not the way he wanted to do things but Vance was beyond furious and Ziva's already tenuous hold on her job had gotten considerably smaller.

He held out his hand, Ziva reached down and unbuckled the sheath from her calf handed the whole thing to Gibbs, next she reached to the small of her back and withdrew the small back up weapon hidden there placing that in his hand as well. He turned away, not looking back to see if she was following. He had not tried to touch her once, he knew that she hated it whenever anyone touched even by accident these days.

Ziva followed, what else could she do? She slide into the back when Gibbs opened the door for her to find Tony waiting on the other seat. He climbed in the front. The streets flowed passed and Ziva was surprised at just how far she had got before she had stopped running, it looked like she would have to make her morning run longer.

They said not a word on the way back, Ziva caught Gibbs' occasional glance in the rear-view mirror looking at her and she could feel Tony's eyes on her constantly. In the window she saw her own blurry reflection, she could not see the eyes so she did not look for them concentrating instead on the other features; the deep almost purple circles under her eyes, the hollow cheeks, the track the tears had taken down her face, the red blotches standing out against her abnormally pale skin. She rested her forehead against the cool glass.


	6. Chapter 6

"Ziva, we're back" She opened her eyes and turned to face Tony staring into his face seeing the concern dance in his eyes. She undid her seatbelt, slide out of the car and walked over to where Gibbs was waiting by the elevator. The doors were open. "Can I take the stairs, please" she sounded like a child, her eyes on the floor.

"Why?" Ziva said nothing, just looked at the floor.

"Tony go and tell Vance we have her and then you should probably tell Abby before she gets herself even more wound up"

He stepped into the elevator keeping his eyes on Ziva until the doors closed. Gibbs headed for the stairs and Ziva followed him down until they reached interrogation. "Number five please Ziva"

She entered the room without question and was not surprised when Gibbs did not follow her in. She started to pace back and forth across the small room, ignoring the chair until she slumped onto the floor tucking herself up into the corner, legs drawn up, arms wrapped around them.

She stared at the carpet. Ziva had no watch and no window, she did not know how much time had passed before Gibbs pushed into the room.

"What the hell did you think you were playing at. You never lay a hand on a suspect" He shouted, not looking at her. Ziva said nothing. Gibbs spun round eyes going to the empty chair then searching the room.

"The chair Ziva" he kicked it with his foot. Ziva considered staying where she was but knew it would just entail more questions. She rose with a natural grace and sat in the chair.

"Well?"

"I am sorry, I should not have done that, I overreacted completely in the situation. It will not happen again"

Ziva sounded different. Gibbs looked at her, he saw the tension in her shoulders. She was speaking to him the way she spoke to her father. Gibbs sighed.

"It seems you have a lot to thank McGee for Ziva" Now she just looked confused.

"He managed to convince Adil that it would be better for him not to mention what happened, without suffocating him." The emphasis was clearly placed on the last bit of the sentence.

"Wait here there is some paperwork you need to sign" Gibbs left just as he had arrived and Ziva slunk back to the corner. At least she would not be losing her job, she had a lot to thank McGee for.


	7. Chapter 7

It was in the corner that Tony found her, wrapped up in her arms she looked so very small and vulnerable.

She glanced up at him, noticing his empty hands, no paperwork. He sits down on the floor beside and wraps and arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. Ziva resists, she always does.

"You are not fine"

"No Tony, no I am not" It was a whisper against his shirt, he can feel her head resting on his shoulder. They just sat there.

"They hurt me Tony and I could not do anything to stop them, I tried, I did, but" her voice trails off and Tony's cuts in. "I know Ziva, I know, but they wont hurt you not any more, they are dead Ziva, all of them."

"I see them everywhere, Tony, they follow me, even in my dreams I can not escape. Every time someone touches me all I think of is Saleem and his men." Tony moves to draw his arm back but Ziva simply moves closer to him.

"You are going to get a wreak Tony, it is only fair I let you know."

"Your not wreaked Ziva, just got a dent or two"

"I am not a car Tony" Ziva sounds annoyed Tony smiles,

"There's my crazy ninja" .

Tony's voice becomes serious again "Ziva when I said I couldn't live without you I meant it but that does not mean we have to have a relationship, I just want to help, to know you are safe"

Ziva places a chaste kiss on his lips, stopping him mid flow. "It will take me a long time Tony"

"I will always wait for you"

"I know"

They sit there in silence, both thinking.

"Gibbs is going to kill us" Ziva sighs.

**Guess it is time for a disclaimer: I own nothing but an imagination.**


End file.
